How to cope with negative people and ‘dumpers’

Just spending a short time with them can leave us feeling drained and depleted.  In an ideal world you would walk away from them, and get your life back.  But often if they share an office with you, or even worse, share genes with you then running away isn’t an option and so you will need some strategies to cope with them...

Understand, but ration your sympathy
If you’ve been giving too much to them, you’ll know as you’ll feel drained yourself, feel flat and be dreading speaking to them the next time.  People who are negative or ‘dumpers’ rarely take responsibility for the problems in their lives, instead being ‘passive’ and feeling like it’s someone else fault.  The main way they are ‘active‘ in their lives is in complaining.  I’ve created a new word for this way of being called ‘Dû’ (it’s like do but they dû it without meaning to), so you can say “they dû complaining”.  As a result not only will they complain and whinge, but they will do it like a Olympic sport; if you encourage or get trapped in this kind of a relationship, they will see you as someone who gives them the time to dump and you could be listening to this years.

Stay calm, up and detached (particularly useful when you can’t get the person out of your life because they’re a relative)
These are the trickiest situations as you can’t just avoid them forever.  Imagine you are like a tree in the wind, or a rock in a stream and just let it flow over you. Don’t get hooked into their drama; be kind and un-judgemental.
 
Steer the conversation
Although you may be tempted to finish by coaching them positively with a question like, ‘Now tell me something good’, this is likely to make them feel that you think they’ve just been complaining and then they’ll complain some more or take it out on you.  Instead ‘actively’ steer the conversation cleverly by saying, ‘that reminds me of that time when...’, and then link to a good story about your shared past or something that you’ve experienced that will either get them to see it in a different way or engage them enough to take them into another better train of thought.  For example if they’re complaining about their boss, you can steer the conversation; “Oh that reminds me, you remember when we had that job at the burger bar and you and the manager got a bit drunk and frisky at the office party?”
 
Look at yourself
If there's one particular person who drains you the most, ask yourself why this is. The ones who get to us the most are definitely triggering something within us, or to be more precise we start ‘dûing’ upset about what they said.  This gives us a great chance to become ‘active’ and gain insight on the stuff we need to sort out in our own lives.
 
Be more selective about who you help
Some of us can't resist helping others because it makes us feel good about ourselves.  If helping a negative friend by always lending an ear is having the opposite effect, try focusing your energy elsewhere.  Feeling good by being needed is not a great pattern to have, as you’ll always attract those in need, and not feel too good when everything’s going well for everyone.  Start to make sure you take time for yourself, notice that if this feels unreasonable then you need to learn that you deserve good things just because you are you.  

Consider these two quotes
Jesus is reported as saying “love thy neighbour as thyself” as one of the most important things we can all do - now this obviously doesn’t mean don’t take care of yourself or your neighbour; but love your neighbour AND yourself. 
Ghandi said, “Be the change you wish to see in the world”.  Use your words and time to spread happiness and joy and see what a difference you can make.

Content provided by Phil Parker.
Read Phil’s intriguing book on language and change ‘Dû: Unlock Your Potential With A Word’ http://store.philparker.org

Phil will be holding free talks at Vitality Show entitled 'Mind Your Vitality' in the One Life Theatre on Friday at 12:30pm and Saturday at 11:30am. He will also be holding a more in depth and interactive workshop on the topic on Friday at 2pm.